Hey Rachel! Things are good. Therapy is going well. I seem to have a good week and then a bad week. I havent binged but I am really weight obsessed. If the scale moves up I freak. Im trying to not weigh myself and Im trying to relaize that Im healthier around 130-135. My period came back and I have realized that when I am active and when I run a lot, I just cant stay around 125. This is hard for me to realize and come to terms with but Ive got to do it. I need to be healthy both physically and mentally. Its a hard road but Im moving forward. How are you?
Thanks for the video tips, Rachel! I actually have those that you listed. I've been doing 30DS, but not consistently. I've only done Level 1. How would you recommend doing it? I've done NMTZ once. I've gotta get back into an exercise routine. My whole body and mind feel sooo crappy!
Hey Rachel - thanks for checking in on me. I've been on a BTL hiatus because I've been so busy in other areas of my life. But I'm still on the weight loss journey. I'll post an update to fill you in. I'm glad to see that you are still blogging. This is really a struggle and I appreciate you sharing your feelings/struggles/successes with all of us. :)
Rachel, i don't often comment but i follow your blog and share your struggles. i subscribe to an emial newsletter by Geneen Roth and the recent message about bingeing made me think of you. so i am sharing the article (i used cut and paste)
sorry it is so long! go to geneenroth.com for very insightful and life-changing info!
About Binges
The other week, when I was at a gas station filling the tank, washing my windshield, checking the oil, and adding little whooshes of air to my tires, I noticed a woman in the car next to me eating a piece of pizza. And then another. And then the entire pizza. After that, she ate a box of donuts and a carton of ice cream. I wanted to walk over to her and say, "Oh, honey, tell me what's going on...." Then I remembered that when I was bingeing, I would have run down anything that stood between me and food. So I decided to preserve my life and not interrupt the Binge Trance. Still, I couldn't get her out of my mind for the rest of the day.
Bingeing used to thrill me. From the moment I decided to binge, to the hunting and gathering of the food that would be its centerpiece, through the eating (um, inhaling) of those foods, I would be heart-pounding, eyes-gleaming enthralled.
A binge had the power to stop time. To stop everything that was disturbing me: the worries, the nitty-gritty tasks I was avoiding, the arguments I was having with a friend or family member. Bingeing was a way to sidestep my life and enter a world in which nothing existed but me and food. It was, as I've called it in my books, "a plunge into oblivion."
The hardest part of bingeing was, natch, when I reached the end. The last bite would be taken, and I'd be surrounded by the evidence of my romp (which was really more like a rampage) through the grocery store: empty cans, crumpled cellophane packages, torn cardboard boxes. I'd end a binge feeling unbearably full — and incredibly empty. Only now I had added another layer of pain to my list of pre-binge worries: my seemingly out-of-control relationship to food and my ever-increasing body size. The truth was that rather than take any of my pain away, I'd just doubled it by bingeing, and the resulting desperation was almost unbearable.
Having paid close attention to my many binges, and having been asked countless binge questions over the years, I think I've gleaned some wisdom that's worth sharing.
First, we all need to have built-in plunges into oblivion. We need to give ourselves permission to check out from the frantic, overwhelming pace of our lives. If you watch small children, you'll see that they race around madly and then collapse. They put out huge amounts of energy, and then they need to rest. We're like that, too, but we've forgotten about the downtime part.
We think we can be on the run endlessly and be fine.
Wrong.
The rhythm of exertion needs to be followed by rest. There is a time to run around and a time to plunge into oblivion. If we don't build the latter into our lives, we suffer. Either we become utterly exhausted or we sneak a plunge on the sly, sometimes while sitting in a car at a gas station. We grab time for ourselves by bingeing, and because we don't feel we're allowed the luxury of downtime, we end up hurting ourselves.
Downtime is not a luxury; it's a necessity. The food-free version could include reading, knitting, even watching soap operas. But if you are so tired that you can't imagine doing one more thing, what you should do is simple: nothing. Even for five minutes a day. If it's too outlandish to consider resting and either doing nothing or doing what you love, then it's time to take a second look at how you've constructed a life that includes everyone but you.
I also have some advice on what you can do when you find yourself knee-deep in the Binge Trance. Try to become aware of the part of you that is separate from the activity, the part that is witnessing what you are doing and saying, "Wow, I am sitting in my car at a gas station by myself surrounded by $50 worth of pizza and donuts — I wonder what's going on?" Pay attention to that voice at least as much as you are paying attention to the next bite. Be curious about what you are doing.
And at the very least, taste the food you are eating. My experience in bingeing — whether it's on two cookies or an entire cake — is that I am so caught up in getting the food in my mouth, I forget to taste it, to enjoy it. And as long as you are eating, you might as well enjoy it. If bingeing is the only time you give yourself permission to eat your favorite foods, why let the moment pass you by without noticing the crunch of those foods? Since binges are a way to give yourself something, let yourself receive it. The positive by-product of this awareness is that compulsion and mindfulness cannot coexist. Once you become aware of what you are doing, it's harder to continue with the same momentum.
What if you finish every last bite or drop? What do you say to yourself, how do you treat yourself? I have a three-word directive for coming off a binge: Be unspeakably kind. In the empty fullness left after bingeing, the "I can't believe you did this again, what's the matter with you, you are a failure now and forevermore" voices sense a place to step in. And when they do, they roar.
Don't let them. If they threaten to overtake you, imagine them, as a therapist friend of mine says, as teeny screeching mice the size of your thumbnail. Imagine putting them in a jar and covering it with a very strong lid. Since their squawking can't hurt you now, treat yourself as if you were doing your very best. Live as if you deserve to be here, regardless of what you have just eaten. And know that every time you remind yourself that you belong here, regardless of what you weigh, you are speaking the truth
Hi Rachel!
I have been MIA for quite a while, but feel better after writing my much overdue post. I'm so glad to see you've been having a great week. You continue to inspire me. I'm a binge-eater as well, and although I haven't been posting, I continue to read your posts for motivation and encouragement. I'm proud of you.
Hi Rachel!!
Thank you so much for the comment on my blog. I'm sorry it's been so long since i've been around! Just posted a NEW blog =) I'm excited to catch up on your posts and get back into the swing of BTL!
Hey! Thanks for checking up on me! My computer died so I didn't have any access to the internet for the past few weeks. I got a new computer now though so I'm back :) I did not have a good month of October - I ate too much and didn't exercise - I just couldn't stay on track. I'm motivated again though to get back in shape and get healthy again so here's hoping it sticks this time. How have you been doing? I'm going to catch up on your blog now :)
Thanks, Rachel! I feel so good this week. I have 20 lbs I want to lose to get to exactly where I was before I got pregnant. Think I can do it by Christmas? I would be thrilled to lose 15 lbs by Christmas, actually. I think I'll set that goal.
I don't think I will read Intuitive Eating. It sounds like it almost messed you up. ha ha I love WW, and honestly I don't care if I have to think in POINTS the rest of my life. After I hit goal, I didn't really track on paper and I seemed to be okay. I had ups and downs, but I know I will always have to work to maintain my weight.
So how are you doing right now? How much are you running these days? Are you doing 30 Day Shred? I need to get back into that. I am just doing my walk/jog in the morning. I need to get some strength training back into my routine.
Thanks for your comment I just wanted to give you (((HUGS))) because I know what you are going through right now & I concur it sucks! I'm back & I'm here for you if you ever want to vent or whatever!!!
Rachel, thanks for your comment. It's nice to know I'm not the only one with the issue, but it's just hard to find people to relate to since none of my friends or family have issue like that.
I apologize for the late reply. I had been blogging on a wordpress blog for a few weeks (it's kind of like my personal diary), but I finally deleted it because my boyfriend saw the link to it and I don't really feel comfortable letting him read my personal thoughts. So I will start blogging on blogtolose instead (just a little scary letting everyone read my stuff)...
Looks like you've been doing well! =) I was pretty good up until thursday when I ruined it for myself again *sign* I've been stuffing myself for 3 days now, feel kinda grossed out. =(
Things are good. I havent weighed myself. Im still eating my best. I feel great. Im heading to Ca for a week and Im all packed with healthy foods and determined to not binge. Cant wait to hear about you. Looking forward to your post!
How was the half? I hope it went well! Hey, just wanted to say thats its Ok if the book isnt what your needing right now. We are all different and we are all in different places. Dont stress. Do what you need to do for YOU! Good luck on your counceling session:)
I totally freaked out too when I read the book. I wanted to put it down. I had a hard week because I also dont agree with the mentality of eat whatever, whenever. But as I kept going, I realized that doing that will help you not be obsessed with food because everything is allowed. It also talked about eating until satisfied, so if you follow those rules, you wont binge. I havent read the nutrition part but Im guessing they will cover that. I think it still is important to eat healthy and I am still trying to do that. Last night , I was craving ice cream. So, I had some but only a cup. I knew eating more wouldnt be healthy so I didnt. I ate until satisfied. Ive also been telling myself that nothings off limits all though I still want to eat good. I havent tracked any calories but that doesnt mean that Im overindulging. Im trying to still eat clean but if my body wants something sweet, I will listen to it and not freak out if I have something. I think its all mental really. It really does make sense why we obsess. The diet mentality can really mess you up. Im trying not to think DIET and Im using positve self talk.
My session went well. She said it is normal to freak out because you dont trust yourself yet. She said I was doing well. I cant quit. The thing that has kept me going is I know that if i want to change, I am going to have to work hard and go through some difficult moments. I try to think about how addicts react to change and they are never willing and ready to go to rehab. They dont jump for joy with excitement. However, in the end they are happy that they took a difficult step towards sobriety. It wont be easy, I know this. I have to do it because what I am doing alone, isnt working.
I have loved counceling. I would recommend it if you can go. There are a lot of group therapy sessions also that are probaly free in your area. Reading the book without direction would be hard. Maybe you need direction. Ive also realized that I have a lot of deeper issues that have caused me to deal with many addictions. Im getting to the root of the problem and I think that is where I am going to find peace. Good luck...I hope things work out. Dont be afraid to go get help and rock that half! Cant wait to hear how you do!
You Ok girl? i finished the book minus the nutrition section. It is starting to make sense. Difficult but doable. Just wondering what your thinking. Keep in touch. If you need someone to talk to, Im always here.
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sorry it is so long! go to geneenroth.com for very insightful and life-changing info!
About Binges
The other week, when I was at a gas station filling the tank, washing my windshield, checking the oil, and adding little whooshes of air to my tires, I noticed a woman in the car next to me eating a piece of pizza. And then another. And then the entire pizza. After that, she ate a box of donuts and a carton of ice cream. I wanted to walk over to her and say, "Oh, honey, tell me what's going on...." Then I remembered that when I was bingeing, I would have run down anything that stood between me and food. So I decided to preserve my life and not interrupt the Binge Trance. Still, I couldn't get her out of my mind for the rest of the day.
Bingeing used to thrill me. From the moment I decided to binge, to the hunting and gathering of the food that would be its centerpiece, through the eating (um, inhaling) of those foods, I would be heart-pounding, eyes-gleaming enthralled.
A binge had the power to stop time. To stop everything that was disturbing me: the worries, the nitty-gritty tasks I was avoiding, the arguments I was having with a friend or family member. Bingeing was a way to sidestep my life and enter a world in which nothing existed but me and food. It was, as I've called it in my books, "a plunge into oblivion."
The hardest part of bingeing was, natch, when I reached the end. The last bite would be taken, and I'd be surrounded by the evidence of my romp (which was really more like a rampage) through the grocery store: empty cans, crumpled cellophane packages, torn cardboard boxes. I'd end a binge feeling unbearably full — and incredibly empty. Only now I had added another layer of pain to my list of pre-binge worries: my seemingly out-of-control relationship to food and my ever-increasing body size. The truth was that rather than take any of my pain away, I'd just doubled it by bingeing, and the resulting desperation was almost unbearable.
Having paid close attention to my many binges, and having been asked countless binge questions over the years, I think I've gleaned some wisdom that's worth sharing.
First, we all need to have built-in plunges into oblivion. We need to give ourselves permission to check out from the frantic, overwhelming pace of our lives. If you watch small children, you'll see that they race around madly and then collapse. They put out huge amounts of energy, and then they need to rest. We're like that, too, but we've forgotten about the downtime part.
We think we can be on the run endlessly and be fine.
Wrong.
The rhythm of exertion needs to be followed by rest. There is a time to run around and a time to plunge into oblivion. If we don't build the latter into our lives, we suffer. Either we become utterly exhausted or we sneak a plunge on the sly, sometimes while sitting in a car at a gas station. We grab time for ourselves by bingeing, and because we don't feel we're allowed the luxury of downtime, we end up hurting ourselves.
Downtime is not a luxury; it's a necessity. The food-free version could include reading, knitting, even watching soap operas. But if you are so tired that you can't imagine doing one more thing, what you should do is simple: nothing. Even for five minutes a day. If it's too outlandish to consider resting and either doing nothing or doing what you love, then it's time to take a second look at how you've constructed a life that includes everyone but you.
I also have some advice on what you can do when you find yourself knee-deep in the Binge Trance. Try to become aware of the part of you that is separate from the activity, the part that is witnessing what you are doing and saying, "Wow, I am sitting in my car at a gas station by myself surrounded by $50 worth of pizza and donuts — I wonder what's going on?" Pay attention to that voice at least as much as you are paying attention to the next bite. Be curious about what you are doing.
And at the very least, taste the food you are eating. My experience in bingeing — whether it's on two cookies or an entire cake — is that I am so caught up in getting the food in my mouth, I forget to taste it, to enjoy it. And as long as you are eating, you might as well enjoy it. If bingeing is the only time you give yourself permission to eat your favorite foods, why let the moment pass you by without noticing the crunch of those foods? Since binges are a way to give yourself something, let yourself receive it. The positive by-product of this awareness is that compulsion and mindfulness cannot coexist. Once you become aware of what you are doing, it's harder to continue with the same momentum.
What if you finish every last bite or drop? What do you say to yourself, how do you treat yourself? I have a three-word directive for coming off a binge: Be unspeakably kind. In the empty fullness left after bingeing, the "I can't believe you did this again, what's the matter with you, you are a failure now and forevermore" voices sense a place to step in. And when they do, they roar.
Don't let them. If they threaten to overtake you, imagine them, as a therapist friend of mine says, as teeny screeching mice the size of your thumbnail. Imagine putting them in a jar and covering it with a very strong lid. Since their squawking can't hurt you now, treat yourself as if you were doing your very best. Live as if you deserve to be here, regardless of what you have just eaten. And know that every time you remind yourself that you belong here, regardless of what you weigh, you are speaking the truth
I have been MIA for quite a while, but feel better after writing my much overdue post. I'm so glad to see you've been having a great week. You continue to inspire me. I'm a binge-eater as well, and although I haven't been posting, I continue to read your posts for motivation and encouragement. I'm proud of you.
Thank you so much for the comment on my blog. I'm sorry it's been so long since i've been around! Just posted a NEW blog =) I'm excited to catch up on your posts and get back into the swing of BTL!
I don't think I will read Intuitive Eating. It sounds like it almost messed you up. ha ha I love WW, and honestly I don't care if I have to think in POINTS the rest of my life. After I hit goal, I didn't really track on paper and I seemed to be okay. I had ups and downs, but I know I will always have to work to maintain my weight.
So how are you doing right now? How much are you running these days? Are you doing 30 Day Shred? I need to get back into that. I am just doing my walk/jog in the morning. I need to get some strength training back into my routine.
I apologize for the late reply. I had been blogging on a wordpress blog for a few weeks (it's kind of like my personal diary), but I finally deleted it because my boyfriend saw the link to it and I don't really feel comfortable letting him read my personal thoughts. So I will start blogging on blogtolose instead (just a little scary letting everyone read my stuff)...
Looks like you've been doing well! =) I was pretty good up until thursday when I ruined it for myself again *sign* I've been stuffing myself for 3 days now, feel kinda grossed out. =(
My session went well. She said it is normal to freak out because you dont trust yourself yet. She said I was doing well. I cant quit. The thing that has kept me going is I know that if i want to change, I am going to have to work hard and go through some difficult moments. I try to think about how addicts react to change and they are never willing and ready to go to rehab. They dont jump for joy with excitement. However, in the end they are happy that they took a difficult step towards sobriety. It wont be easy, I know this. I have to do it because what I am doing alone, isnt working.
I have loved counceling. I would recommend it if you can go. There are a lot of group therapy sessions also that are probaly free in your area. Reading the book without direction would be hard. Maybe you need direction. Ive also realized that I have a lot of deeper issues that have caused me to deal with many addictions. Im getting to the root of the problem and I think that is where I am going to find peace. Good luck...I hope things work out. Dont be afraid to go get help and rock that half! Cant wait to hear how you do!
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