Returning

[Elaine]

I am back to Blog To Lose. I do not promise to post a lot, but I will make my best attempt to check in at least once per week. My blog is going to take the focus on staying mentally healthy in order to stay physically healthy. It's been a whirlwind the past several months but I wouldn't change a day of it. I wouldn't un-gain the weight back, I wouldn't un-do the total of physical endurance....I wouldn't change a second of it.

THE PERFECT STORM: In May of 2009, I finished 2 half-marathons. Neither were great times, but I cried at each finish line. I also severely injured my foot. I started taking DepoProvera for birth control (DO NOT let anyone you love, or even hate, touch that poison). I stopped taking my Celexa on the grounds that I had conquered depression, because I did genuinely feel happy inside and outside. I stopped exercising due to the injury. I started binge eating for a number of reasons. I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital after I no longer felt safe around myself, at the beginning of August 2009. I started back on my Celexa, stopped the Depo, and started therapy. I went to Minneapolis to do the 3Day Walk with Robyn and ended up even more angry with myself - for not appreciating life, for not loving myself, for not giving 100% of myself to that walk and all that it embodied. I felt like a total failure.

Now, I see a therapist once per week. We rotate between "putting out fires" and dealing with my past. I have remembered what it feels like to love myself. I now know that I have a genetic susceptibility to depression and will likely need my medicine forever. I am at peace with that. I am healing. I thought I was healed when I finished therapy at 19 (5 years ago)....I now know that the healing process will take my whole life. I must look at myself in the mirror each day and say, "I love you. I love spending time with you. I wish you would call me! Will you marry me?"

The body and the mind and the soul are so beautiful. Perhaps the most beautiful entities that creation has given us. I can't waste what has been given to me. I've been Tweeting my food for the past few weeks and have already lost 10 lbs. I am now at 205, down from a high of 216. (To put that in to perspective, I was at 154 when I finished the second half-marathon).

I will love myself. I worked out today and remembered what it felt like to have a racing heart and sweat. It feels GOOD. I deserve to feel that good everyday of my life.

I WILL run the OKC Half-Marathon and the Pittsburgh Half-Marathon in 2010. 2010 will be the year of the marathon for me. I will not give up. I will not give in.

Once again, because it stirs me to the depths of my soul: I can relate to this quote spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I can feel it with every fiber of my being....

Beyond the very extreme of fatigue and distress, we may find amounts of ease and power we never dreamed ourselves to own, sources of strength never taxed at all because we never push through the obstruction.
--William James, philosopher

Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/elaine_huckabay

[Chantal]

So glad you're back Elaine, I've been coming to your blog regularly to see if you were back and to find out if you were doing ok. Thank you so much for being so honest and for sharing your story with us. Keep on beleiving in yourself and you will succeed. I wish you the best!

[Tawnya]

So glad that you are back, back with us and back on the road to a healthy mind and body! You are strong and you can do it!

[Rachel]

Welcome back Elaine! You are such a strong, beautiful woman and have endured so much. I'm so happy you posted and we are here for you no matter what! Therapy is a wonderful thing.

[Arlene]

Welcome back is right. We've missed you. Sorry to hear that you've been through so much, but I'm glad you're reclaiming control.

[Jen (aka KUrunner)]

Welcome back, Elaine! I was wondering what had happened to you, but it sounds like you are making great strides to get your life back.

[Amanda]

Welcome back Elaine! I really admire how honest you are in your blog...that certainly can't be easy. Congratulations on the loss so far! You've proven you can do this once and I'm sure you can do it again. We're all here to support each other. You can and will do this and I can't wait to see you succeed! :-)

[Valerie]

Welcome back Elaine.. it's really great to see you back here and thank you for sharing your story. It's good to hear that you got help with your depression. It really can be something that stays with you. I was diagnosed at 17 and though I was able to go off my medication by the time I went to university after just turning 19, I can sometimes still feel those negative thoughts returning. I'm just better at recognizing them and challenging them now, whereas they used to so easily take over. I have a family history of depression and anxiety (so it's possibly genetic) so I can understand the whole possibility of having it always be there. But you're strong and you've come so far, so remember that when you're going through the process. You will be able to do this and we're all here to support you.

[Jackie]

My doctor was trying to get me to take Depo shot but I was like umm no thanks, sorry to hear about your experience with it. I've only gone through depression when I was on the birth control pill and definately felt "the veil lift" when I stopped taking it. 2010 will be the year of the marathon for me as well, so I'd love to hear your progress. It sounds like you are really getting to the core of your eating and unhappiness and I hope your journey brings you to a place of clarity and peace.

[Heather]

Thanks so much for sharing this powerful and intimate story. You are a strong woman Elaine. This is the quote I go to on my journey whether it is struggle with food, emotion, running. exercise, etc. Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want something badly enough. They are there to keep out the other people. -Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture