I'm totally an addict.

[Mrs. Ballou]

Sunday afternoon, I gave myself permission to be lazy. My Philadelphia Eagles didn't play this week, so I there was nothing on TV. While drifting in and out of naps (it was chilly and rainy, perfect day for it, I did manage to run 3 miles earlier in the day though) I was watching a marathon of True Life on MTV. This marathon was all about drugs. I wasn't really paying attention until the story of this girl came on. She made me so mad. She had been through rehab 16 times....yes, that's 1 6 as in sixteen times and she was out of rehab, living in a halfway house and she said "You know, I'm not sure I'm going to stay off the pills or not." 3 days after they filmed her, she relapsed. Huge surprise right? Especially with that mentality.

Then, there was a guy...he was addicted to Oxycontin (I think) and he was desperate to get clean. He went to a doctor to ask for help and the doctor said "Are you ready to give it up?" and his answer was "No, I just need you to give the medicine I need to withdraw". I'm sorry, but that made me mad too. Don't ask for help unless you are ready to take the steps to get better.

Driving to work yesterday I was being kind of hard on myself because I had promised myself Sunday night that I would go to the gym Monday morning. I didn't make it. Then, yesterday day I promised myself a run after work. I didn't make it. I was going to stay within my points yesterday too...I didn't. Last night, because I failed myself yesterday I was determined to get up this morning and go to the gym. I still didn't. Oh, and did I mention I'm smoking way more than I should for a "non-smoker" these days? Yeah, not real proud of that either.

Then I got to thinking...how am I any better than them? I was on the right path, I was doing great, then I started to let little things slip in. "Doing this one time won't hurt anything...", "A cigarette while drinking doesn't count..." "I worked out yesterday, so I can skip today" "I'm not going to get my wedding ring re-sized, even though it's almost falling off, because I'm afraid I'll gain the weight back..." (sound familiar?) and before I know it, I'm flip flopped my "Live healthily 80% of the time to be naughty 20% of the time" motto with naughty 80%, healthy 20%. I was there...I was in rehab and then I slipped back into my addiction. Food and laziness. Granted, I'm not rock bottom, but I'm on a dangerous slope and gravity is trying very hard to work against me.

I can't let it. I won't.

I am sorry that most of my updates lately have been about my failures, but that's part of it. I want to share it all. This is not easy. There is no magical pill or potion. It's a daily struggle for me.

[RollerCoaster]

Your post is very thoughtful and insightful. I don't think people who are addicted are bad, or good, they just have an addiction. If you feel you have something in common with them, it just means you might need some help. Only you can know that and asking for help takes courage because it's hard for lots of us. I notice a lot of the same in myself. Try to be curious about why you do what you do rather than judging, maybe some answers will come to you if you don't see yourself as good for being perfect and bad for being imperfect (which all humans are by the way!) :)

[Heather]

GO GET YOUR RING SIZED!!!!!!!!!!! YOU AREN'T GOING BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it is a daily struggle - I have to fight the good fight too. I have not conquered my demons but we are not going to let them win. A smoke here and there with a drink is one thing but you are a runner and you have to take care of those lungs! I am not here to give you any speeches and I love my drinks as much as the next girl but you have to let go of the smoking. You are working your butt off at work, making healthy meals and trying to fit in exercise - you do a great job. The difference between your addiction and what you watched over the weekend is that YOU are trying to help YOURSELF. You are not seeking a quick fix - you aren't in and out of rehab - you are trying to figure it out all on your own. You make mistakes - you learn. You have some bad days but you don't throw in the towel. It is only Tuesday - and I am not saying this like the little voice says it - I am saying it because you still have a week in front of you to move your body. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! I know you did something great today - you didn't give into some temptation, you drank water, you have a great meal planned - what else????????

[Paula]

Thanks so much for your honesty...I really appreciate that. I can relate and know the feeling. It is easy to let ourselves slide...I can be so guilty of that. AND it can be so much harder to get ourselves back on track than to keep going. Small steps forward I say! ;)

[Arlene]

I'm in the same boat. I've been trying to lose my last 20 or so pounds (of about 80) for a year now ... I'll lose 5 in two weeks, then regain it the next, as I forget to take things one healthy choice at a time. I start to feel like, if I eat something I shouldn't for one meal or snack, the rest of the day is shot ...

Thought I'd vanquished that attitude, but ... not so much.

[Janice]

Thank you for sharing. I have felt like this the last few months especially when I step on the scale and see the numbers creeping back up. It is a daily struggle for all of us and it is so hard to stay on track. But we can do it. I have not been to the gym in 3 weeks but I am going tonight. I will. Thanks again for sharing and we are all here to support you. You can do it!