Warning: A bit Depressing

[Hannah]

Let me warn you all now...I am in the mood to write, and it ain't gonna be full of sunshine!

I have been having an extremely emotional day. Actually, my day started out great. I woke up and made a yummy healthy breakfast. I even tracked it. (Haven't tracked in days!) It felt great writing it down. Then it was off to the gym with my sister. While I was there, I noticed my story and picture hanging. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but our local community center had a bulletin requesting "before & after" stories, and how the facility has helped people reach their fitness goals. So, I submitted mine. At first I was really happy to see it on display for everyone to see, but then I started beating myself up hard-core. The "after" picture was taken right after I hit my original goal of 145. I am in the upper 160's now. What the hell happened? My sister..I love her to death..she kept reassuring me that I look great, and that I have kept most of it off, which is a huge accomplishment. But ever since then, I have been really depressed. And what did I do? I came home and ate ice cream, some M&M's, and chips. I don't even like chips. *sigh*

In my last post I talked about how I'm truly realizing that food is not supposed to be used as comfort, and that I am doing so great. The truth is, I'm not. I am SO sick and tired of struggling with this emotional eating issue! Why can't I tackle this?! Why can't I just eat when I am hungry? Why can't I be satisfied with a little piece of dark chocolate? I have not had any huge binges or anything, but after eating an apple, I decided to have the chips, then a big bowl of ice cream. The apple was just fine, but in my mind the chips and ice cream would make me feel better. I know better than that!

I have been so stressed lately, but I am not using that as an excuse for my poor eating the last few days. It's my own fault. But, let me fill you in on what has been going on. I work at a locally owned restaurant, and this week the manager only scheduled me 9 hours! I live in a college town, and students recently came back. I figured since business has been picking up that I'd get the 20-25 hours I was promised when I was hired. I haven't gotten 20 hours since I started the job. I have a $260/month car payment, 2 credit card payments, a loan payment for a dog I don't even get to see (long story), a bank loan, and gas expenses for driving back and forth to school. I have a huge stack of bills that are so behind. I don't know what to do. I am taking 6 classes fall quarter. I don't want to kill myself by working two jobs while going to school. Been there, done that. It affected me mentally, and physically. My grades also suffered. I am currently a Dean's List student and do not want to ruin that.

So, my thought was to work at the restaurant on Friday and Saturday, then maybe another job Monday-Thursday at school (if I can even get a work study job.) I tried applying last quarter, but had no luck. Yesterday I turned in 8 job applications. My plan is to call around Monday to check the status on those. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed to have a job at all right now with the way the economy is, but I can't help but be stressed due to being so behind. My parents help me when they can, but I don't like asking for a handout..ever. They are really not in the financial position to help right now anyway. They have already done SO much.

Another thing that has really been bothering me for the past 3 years is my relationship with my boyfriend. I know, 3 years..right? Why haven't I gotten out of it? Let me fill you all in. I have been dating this guy for almost 4 years. The first year it was so exciting. We went out all the time. He took me to the movies, out to dinner. He surprised me with flowers, cards to cheer me up. He was there for me. We had fun. We laughed a lot. But then, everything changed. He is a complete gamer. He spends hours on the computer playing a game called "World of Warcraft." I am not exaggerating. He spends HOURS on there. It's like he cares more about the characters than me. I am very expressive, and like to talk about the way I'm feeling. I can barely get a full sentence out of him. And when we do go out to eat or something, it's pretty much silence. When he leaves my house after staying the night, he does that little hand sign "Rock and Roll" to my parents. He is 4 years older than me. He dropped out of high school because he already had so many absences due to his asthma, and has yet to get his GED. He always promised me he would. I even bought him a GED prep book, but he hasn't even flipped it open. I know college is not for everyone, and that's not what bothers me. It bothers me that he has ZERO motivation. He has been working fast-food jobs, barely making ends meet. I feel like he could do so much more, but it's like he won't. My mom says he's depressed. I've asked him this countless times, and he always tells me he loves me and is happy with me.

If he is happy with me, then why am I ALWAYS the one to call him? Then he says he'll come over so we can watch a dvd or something, then he never comes. I don't go there much because quite honestly..his dad is so weird, and I don't feel comfortable out there. When I ask him why he never comes over he just asks me "Well, why don't you ever come over here?" When I ask him if he would like to go on a hike or something active, he never feels well.

I know this sounds pathetic, and you are probably wondering why I'm staying with him. The truth is..I'm scared. I mean, he's not mean to me. We have had our share of good times. But..I am NOT happy at all. There is no spark there. No chemistry. When he kisses me, I want it to stop so bad. I just want to push him away. That is an awful feeling. I don't know. I guess part of me is also scared because I wonder if I will EVER find the right guy for me. So many of my friends and girls I graduated with are already married..some already have kids. I know I'm only 23, but finding my prince and having a family are 2 very important things to me.

My friends and family constantly ask me why I stay with him. They tell me I can do so much better. They remind me how goal-oriented and smart I am. I'm always on the go, and that I need someone who can keep up with me. I miss the fun. I miss the laughter. I miss that romance.

I've tried several times to end it, but then I go back to him and call him. Then I end up going over there and apologizing. WHY though?! I don't owe him an apology whatsoever. I just get weak, then turn to him..even though he is never there for me in return. Some tell me I am too nice, that I give too much..that I need to put myself first for once. *deep breath* I'm scared to death to do that, but I know..I have known for 3 years now that I need out. It's just not healthy, and I know I need to take this time for me. I have such low self-esteem. I really want to love myself--I do. I really do. That's all I've ever wanted.

*Deep breath*

I am going to end it. I don't know how, exactly. Since he doesn't open up at all, it's hard. I've already taken a few steps within the last few weeks. I've deleted all of our pictures off my computer, and have also taken pictures down that were hanging up in my room. I also deleted his number off my phone, even though I know it by heart and could still call. But, I'm not going to. (And, the times I have gone 3-5 days without calling him, he never called me once.) Wow, he really loves me, huh?!

Okay..on to something else I'd like to talk about. I REALLY want to go back to church! I used to go with my grandma as a kid, but haven't been in years. A few months ago though, I went to a church right down the street from my house. I LOVED it. There were so many people my age, along with townspeople. Everyone was so friendly. There was even a live band. It wasn't all stiff and snobby (had bad experience as a kid) I enjoyed it, and even sang along to the music. I know I have a lot of faith, but feel like I really want to build a deeper one, and a relationship with God. Not only are those things extremely important to me, but I think it would be awesome to meet new people and even get involved within the church and community! For some reason though, I'm so nervous about it. There is no reason to be nervous though, right? It may sound crazy, but I'm kind of intimidated. I feel bad that I didn't continue going. But, I guess just like this healthy journey, a person must be ready to start. I AM ready. I am going the 11:00 service this Sunday.

Anyway, I am in the process of making a new, fun journal to track my meals and workouts in, along with a place to write down my personal thoughts and goals. I have been doing Weight Watchers forever now, and quite frankly have gotten VERY bored with it. Sometimes I get SICK AND TIRED of counting points and being so obsessive about what I eat..about planning. It's the only way I've ever been successful though, so I can't stop. I don't know--maybe making a pretty, fun journal would be a good jump-start to really get in the groove of things again. Making a list of goals I have (health and non-health related) is something I need to do as well. I feel like I'm finally on the right path in school, and I don't want to quit now. I want to get everything else in order too. I guess I can look at this as a new chapter in my life.

Okay, I've got a lot to work on. Thanks for reading. Any encouragement/suggestions/comments on anything would be so great! I know I can count on all of you.

[Shannon H.]

First and foremost, I don't even really "know" you outside of this blog, but you certainly do have a soft spot in my heart. I also had a very rough week with work, emotions, bills, etc. (my last post was a total vent). For the first time since I started tracking food I totally ate emotionally. It wasn't a total binge at all, but I can relate to your being discouraged just at the THOUGHT of using food for comfort. I'm still working on pulling myself out of the funk, but we will get through it!! Your sister is right on--be proud of your accomplishments. Own them! Think of how many people you are inspiring by continuing to strive for good health, continuing to go to that gym, holding your head high and working toward good health everyday.

I really don't like to tell people what to do on this blog...but I do feel compelled to share this with you: my last boyfriend before my husband was NOT for me. He was NOT a go getter, I was. We did not share the same values, ambitions, etc. Once I could let go of him, I found the man of my dreams--now my husband!

Hang in there and know that we are right here with you ready to support!

[Rachel]

Oh and I wanted to leave you a Bible verse... "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

[Rachel]

Oh Hannah, I just feel for you so much reading this. I can relate to so much of what you said. First of all, I want you to know you are a WONDERFUL, driven, amazing person. Hopefully one day you will believe it! I understand where you are coming from with your boyfriend- I have been in a similar position. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to just TRUST that I will meet the guy God has planned for me in God's time, and that it will probably happen when I'm not even looking for it! You have SO much to offer... and I understand the fear that you won't find someone, that's so common. Even though it seems like a lot of people our age are married these days, you are still VERY young and there are even more people that aren't married! I think going to church and trying to find God again is such a wonderful idea... nothing feels better than putting all your trust in Him and being able to let your fears go. Because He is in control! And you are never alone.
I'm sorry life is so tough right now. You will get through it, you are strong! Come blog whenever you need to,we are here for you!

[Heather]

Hannah you have to put yourself first. Your relationship could be the source of so many things. You have to move on - please believe me in this. You are so young and beautiful - you will find someone that makes you happy and have a wonderful relationship. I think going to church and recommitting your faith is a great idea. You have worked hard to get so many things school, weight, etc - you have to be proud of yourself and be a little selfish - this is the time of your life to put Hannah first! You deserve the very best!

[Danielle]

Wow is right. This was a heavy post. But I wanted to tell you that you are on the right track. Sounds like you've made some good choices stepping in the right direction w/ you Ex boyfriend. I just want you to know that no matter where you are... God is calling out to you. HE loves you and wants you to know Him. To let Him fill the emptiness in your life.. that emptiness that you keep filling w/ you EX. God can be the one to pull you thru all this. I hope you do go to church and get some wise counsel.>> Find someone who will be an accountability partner to keep you from calling the EX. Make friends. Join a group or go to lunch w/ someone from church. Begin to open the doors to new fresh relationships... and I'm not talking about w/ a guy. Just normal healthy relationships. Begin to see who YOU are w/out HIM. And when you feel weak... turn to Jesus. Call to Him to be your strength... God loves you so much that He gave his son for you. That's HUGE love. If you don't have a personal relationship w/ Jesus where you have prayed, admitted that you are a sinner, and accepted the free gift of Salvation that Jesus brought thru his death on the cross... take some time to talk to God tonight. Don't delay. Give him you heart. Ask Him to mend the broken parts. Reminds me of a song my mom used to sing to me: "Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus - Shattered dreams, wounded hearts & broken souls... Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus - And He will turn your sorrow into joy."
Love that song!
Hope you don't mind me sharing my faith a little on here... you opened the door so I walked right thru it! (: I hope to hear that you find some answers and breakthru in these areas!

[Arlene]

Wow. You have a lot to say here, on a lot of different topics. In some ways, you sound like me. I, too, keep thinking about going to church — and I have bills piled up, too. I hope you get the boyfriend issue resolved soon.

A journal sounds like a great idea. I should probably make one, too.